Medical Malfunctions
by Bayou Bebe
Summary: House meets his match at a Seminar in Rudy and the ensuing hilarity of their encounters makes everyone a little uncomfortable. Warnings for Slash and Femslash hints, medical play, bdsm, amputee fetish, mentions of prostitution, and general House Dishumor.
1. Chapter 1

Hello Everyone!!! I hope you won't all kill me about not updating Hope For Love… that is actually in the works as I type! But I wanted to bring you a wonderful new story that one of my best friends and I are writing. Harlot O'Hara and I have been collaborating to bring you this lovely bit of craziness and we hope you enjoy! Please tell up what you think we love hearing from you all!

Medical Malfunctions

Chapter 1

Continuing Education was rarely considered enjoyable; early hours around busy campuses and cheap stale coffee from McDonalds was not a tempting offer. Most doctors would have proffered to have been sent the information and left to their own devices to study it but not Rudy Cooper.

Of course, by all means, he was not a certified medical doctor.

He was a Prosthetist and for that sole reason he was attending the lecture on congenital malformation.

In his work life he showed more sympathy than most undertakers did and was careful with his fitting and sculpting of the limbs in the way an artist would be with their paints. He was a fairly well known expert with cosmesis, going further into detail than most were willing, down to freckles and discoloration.

Honestly that wasn't because of any nature of compassion but because Rudy Cooper was an amputee devotee; he sketched amputation, he kept antique prosthetics in his home and even on occasion hired a familiar one-handed escort.

The lecture was if only for that reason, interesting and would have been all consuming had it not been for who had seated themselves beside him. The older man limped terribly when he entered the room and used his cane like it was an extension of his arm; the motions seemed fluid.

Rudy bit his lower lip as he scratched down a note. He wondered what the bad leg looked like and he underlined 'Deleterious' the way a lover would their chosen's name as he thought about it.

House was not amused, first he lost a bet with Wilson meaning he actually had to pay back 50 dollars of the many thousands he owed him, and then Chase managed to piss him off by trying to not be the whiny little bastard he truly was inside. Then to make his day perfectly complete Cuddy had managed to catch him exiting from a back door and demanded that he attend this idiotic continuing education seminar about crippled people… Yeesh he hated listening to this shit, it made his leg itch. What was worse he couldn't get out of it because she was there and glaring at him furiously every time he so much as twitched.

Speaking of twitching… He reached down into his bag and noticed that the guy in front of him, who somewhat resembled Robert "The Asskisser" Chase, even if he was more gaunt and didn't have that nice flouncy blond hair… alright back to your thoughts god you're rambling like Cameron… though you really don't have as good an ass as Cameron…' House suddenly shook his head and slapped himself violently across the face before gleefully noticing Cuddy's shocked expression and grabbed the supersized Rockstar Energy Drink he had been reaching for.

Opening it and popping a few Vicoden he took a swig and swiftly kicked the seat of the peeping man in front of him before settling down and smiling angelically at the lecturer. "Sorry, please continue to bore us all!" he called merrily to the front.

Rudy couldn't help himself; he turned around to face the doctor fully. He wasn't unattractive; he had a handsome face though he needed to shave and graying hair that needed to be combed. Rudy wouldn't have been able to leave the house to go to a seminar if he had dressed in such a casual way so combined with the rude outburst he had cause to suspect that the crippled man was a doctor.

"We're not all bored to tears by our profession, Dr." The younger man interjected, letting his dark eyes fall down to the cane. He would have been more intimate with a woman; they tended to take his swooning tone much better than men. "It is a difficult subject matter for many, I'm sure. And if its too personal…I can lend you notes but I would have to disagree that it is in any way dull."

House sized up the other man, oh he definitely wasn't anything like Chase, he could actually maybe be… interesting. House considered that possibility for a moment before deciding that such an outlandish hope could never be true. "Wow, it can actually speak… must not be the Columbian fire monkey I thought it was!" he mused aloud before rolling his eyes and tugging his psp out of his pocket. "Drone…" he muttered under his breath as he turned his game on.

"I'm a Prosthetist..." Rudy began with a cold tone, slipping his hand into his jacket pocket and pulling out a neatly printed business card. He slapped it down onto the faux wooden desk in front of the other man and stood up, picking up his half filled notepad and pen. "So you can get in contact when you need one." He justified before he moved to the other side of the room.

House paused, the game singing a forlorn tone of failure rather fitting as the other man sat a good 30 feet away. He could have sword he saw Lisa laughing behind her notes while the lecturer and most of the other doctors rudely stared. House gingerly picked up the card and slipped it into his pocket before glaring provocatively at Cuddly and collecting his stuff… "Screw you people, I'm going to I-hop." He muttered loud enough to echo as he took his cane up and sulked out of the room.

From across the room, Rudy glared at the disabled man as he left. He scrawled surly designs on his notepad while he smiled pleasantly to the rest of the room. 'Fuck that man' He thought to himself as his violent sketches turned back into writing, 'Fuck him and everything he can't stand for.' Despite how angry he was at being mocked; Rudy found pause when he realized how much he meant that.

He would have to call his favorite escort that night because he did want to fuck that doctor, he wanted to fuck him very hard.

AN: YAAAY so there you go… the very short chapter one! We've got chapter two about half written so watch for updates!


	2. Chapter 2

Hey Guys, We're so glad to see a few of you liked the first chapter enough to review and put us on alert! Here is chapter two, chapter three will be out shortly. This is strictly House as it is his reactions to meeting Rudy… Enjoy! – Harlot O'Hara and Makia Durron.

Chapter two

House wore his typical scowl and was toting his new favorite coffee mug 'If ignorance is bliss you must be orgasmic' slamming into the room as he usually did he was even less pleased with how the day was panning out to find Foreman, Chase, Thirteen, and Tubby… I mean Taub all waiting with pleasant expressions plastered across their pasty faces… 'Well except for Foreman, cause he's black' he mused to himself before smiling widely at them all. "Good Morning Everyone, did you all have a pleasant commute?" He asked with the most sincerely happy tone he could muster while he quickly entered his office, not bothering to draw the curtains so he could confuse them even more. Humming a pleasant little ditty he set the mug on his desk and sat down in his chair immediately kicking his feet up on the desk, showing off his neon green tennis shoes and picking up a case file, engrossing himself in the information contained within while tapping with his feet the beat still running from his throat.

"I did…Cameron and I made a date of it." Chase offered with a hint of malaise, taking a sip of his coffee as he casually dropped himself onto the couch to sit. He hoped that hurt his former boss' feelings but he still had a feeling even a sledge hammer couldn't do that. He was only here over their newest patient anyhow, and he wanted to be gone soon.

He crossed his legs at the ankle and ignored Thirteen's disapproval; she wasn't in love with her boss by any means but she still had a feeling this was pressing it just for some simple teasing.

Whatever went on between those two was far from her interest but she decided for the sake of their sanity to end it there. "We all had a miserable time, House, what do you think?" She inquired; moving to pick up the coffee pot and pour more into his cup for him. It was worth a blow to her dignity just to keep him quiet.

House stared up at her with an absolutely horrified look on his face, "Oh Remy you're such a doll! I'm so sorry your commute sucked as much balls as Chase over there… by the way you do a great fifties housewife, you should check around guys dig that," he said as his face turned into its familiar smirk and he threw a nearby book at Chase's head. "So what do you plebeians want from me now?" he asked moodily as he threw the file down and sipped his coffee.

"I don't work for you; I have to put up with this shit anymore!" Chase declared, rising up from the couch with a movement that seemed to say he felt that was similar to being blessed by the pope. He threw his hand back in a motion that implied a wave and left them then. He had real work to do.

Thirteen sighed and poured herself a cup of coffee; House was hard to believe at times but she didn't have to take him seriously. Foreman was good at covering up his anger about the comments towards their relationship; she could do the same. "You know that I like women better, anyway." She grumbled to herself, pouring an ample amount of sweetener into her cup.

Thirteen sighed and poured herself a cup of coffee; House was hard to believe at times but she didn't have to take him seriously. Foreman was good at covering up his anger about the comments towards their relationship; she could do the same. "You know that I like women better, anyway." She grumbled to herself, pouring an ample amount of sweetener into her cup.

"We do have a case, here…" Dr. Taub sighed, walking closer to his boss and nodding to the manila envelope on his desk. "We got the other files in the mail first thing this morning."

House ignored Taub as he stared Thirteen down, "Hmm yes well you've yet to give me conclusive proof of that…" he mused before rolling his eyes and reaching a spastically waving hand out to receive the lecture he was sure Taub wanted to give him. "Well go ahead, enlighten me about the horrible predicament we need to clean up now." He snarled as he held out his now depleted mug to Foreman in a silent demand for a refill.

"Get your own, coffee." Foreman suggested without pause; he wasn't new to the game. He took a sip of his own and threw out a small comment, shaking his head when Thirteen twitched as if she was willing to pour more. "I don't need any housewife or 'black' comments, thanks."

Taub meanwhile was trying to bring them back to their focus on the medical field. "The girl from before," He started before deciding to rephrase in a way that would really catch his boss' interest. He waved his hand until he had eyesight and started over. "The double D cheerleader; she's got necrosis on her knee-cap."

House paused mid-motion in his rebuttal of Foreman's barb when Taub reminded him of the largely endowed girl downstairs, "Really? Is it like really icky because if it is she's no good to me anymore," he said caustically while waving his cup at Foreman again.

"Oh, For God's Sake, House!" Thirteen growled, snatching the files up off of the desk in front of him. "I'll deal with it myself since you seem to be even more charming than usual today." After she left the room, the remaining doctors glanced at each other and followed. If House needed them, he would have no problem paging them incessantly.

House cocked his head at the retreating backs of his staff and huffed to himself as he got up, coffee mug still in hand, and moseyed down to see Wilson. The shorter man was always good to hear his problems; he had that caring thing going on. So he was sure to find good company for his foul mood with him. He paused in front of the closed door and rolled his eyes as he could hear Wilson muttering quietly through the door, knocking loudly he paused after a few moments and called out to James, "Are you in a particularly caring mood? I need you!" he whined as James opened the door with a long suffering sigh, "What do you want House?" he groaned as Gregory pushed past him and bee-lined towards the percolating coffee pot in the corner. "I'm having a horrible day and wanted to see my best friend, is that such a bad thing?" he asked plaintively.

"When it comes from you generally; yes." Wilson sighed, seating himself behind the desk and moving aside anything breakable that had been gifted. "What's the problem?"

House pouted at Wilson before slumping sideways into the seat across the desk, "Cuddy made me go to a stupid seminar and then there was this rude ass there that told me to lob my leg off then my team was mean to me." He whined balefully at James before looking at both of their coffees and reaching for Wilson's to sip at.

"Someone at the seminar wanted to amputate your leg?" Wilson asked with surprise. He had known that his friends leg had been giving him trouble but he hadn't assumed it was giving him enough for that. "Are you sure you need to do that?"

House glared at him and slurped loudly on the other man's coffee. "No, but he wanted to, you could see it in his beady little eyes, he may have been Canadian…" he mused as he put his feet up on Wilson's desk.

"So, now you're trying to tell me that a Canadian Serial Amputator is lusting after your leg?" Wilson clarified, reaching forward to take his coffee back from the other man. He had obviously had too much caffeine for today, tomorrow and the rest of the week. "Please, tell me that I'm misunderstanding you."

House considered before reaching for his own cup, having easily relinquished the mostly empty cup he had stolen from James. Cocking his head to the side he finally shrugged, "Well he was a prostetist so yeah it comes to the same thing." He said easily before clunking the mug on the table his eyes twinkling as a bit of coffee sloshed onto Wilson's desk.

"Okay, House, that's enough. Give me that cup." Wilson pulled away the still full mug to protect his desk and stood up. He sighed heavily and spoke again, taking a sip out of the mostly full mug in his right hand and covering the other with his left. "You're obviously tired and jumped up on caffeine. Prosthetists are valid medical practitioners,

which you know and none of them would have any reason to be interested in your legs. Have you seen your legs recently?"

House frowned and stood up before quickly dropping his trousers and shuffling over to look in the reflective glass, "Well the right is kind of mangled, which is why the quack wants to lob it off, fuck it and fit it for me, but the other is kind of sexy don't you think?" he asked innocently while waving to a doctor on the other side of the balcony.

"How would he fuck your leg?" Wilson asked, his tone telling that while he was bothered by the probability of it, he also doubted that he wanted an answer. He reached for the blinds then and closed them, giving his friend more privacy than he probably felt he needed. It was a hospital, but still, House might have felt naked at a less crazy moment.

House glared at Wilson and bent down to grab his pants, "Well obviously he'd have to cut a bit of muscle out or to have some room to stick his dick in but it could happen." He mused out loud.

This is actually turning out way more laugh worthy than it was supposed to but I am laughing

Wilson needed no more prompts to make his next choice; that one mental image was enough for him. He put both mugs firmly down on the desk and pointed at his door. "Get out, House. Go home, lie down, masturbate, just don't tell me anymore about your new boyfriend."

House opened his mouth to protest but was cut off by Wilson immediately, "I'll tell Cuddy just leave… now." He demanded as he pointed again out into the hallway.

House huffed again and made his exit, too annoyed to even demand his happy mug back before leaving. If Wilson wanted him to shirk his duties who was he to complain? Suddenly a thought occurred to him as he entered the elevator at the end of the hall and he turned around to yell back down to Wilson. "He's not my boyfriend so get your panties out of your ass!" He barked as the doors closed with a merry ding.


End file.
